How to improve your sex life

29 November 2017

How to improve your sex life

Sex is an essential aspect of the couple’s relationship. When the sexual relationship goes well, the shared pleasure makes you and your partner join more

Sex is an essential aspect of the couple’s relationship. When the sexual relationship is going well, shared pleasure makes you and your partner bond more, both physically and emotionally. Satisfying sex creates a deeper relationship in the long term, while at the same time implying having fun with your boy / girl.

Sexual problems in the couple

Most couples experience problems in the sexual area throughout their lives: premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, painful penetration, anorgasmia, etc. However, the most common problem for which they attend couples therapy is when one of the members wants more sex than the other.

Frequently, women need more romanticism before they start showing interest in sex, whereas men need more sex before they can become emotionally involved. Although not all couples do so, when this dynamic occurs, it usually becomes a big problem. At the beginning of the relationship, the couple usually has a lot of sex and both parties are happy with this “agreement”. With the passage of time, the sexual passion begins to fall and the differences in the levels of desire of both members become more evident. This is accompanied by feelings of disappointment and despair. Some couples break up and look for someone new. But others remain united, betting on a lasting relationship where the effort of the two is fundamental.

Men and women are different

Let’s start with some biological differences:

The sexual organs of man and woman are different.
Man has high levels of testosterone and women have high levels of estrogen and progesterone.
Many women have multiple orgasms whereas this fact occurs in a few cases in men.
The woman has the ability to get pregnant, give birth and breastfeed.

Many of these biological differences are reflected in psychological and behavioral differences in the sexual area:

Man thinks about sex more than women.
The man tends to get excited more easily than the woman.
The man reaches orgasm more easily than the woman through penetration.
The woman needs emotional intimacy before having sex, while the man feels more emotionally united once he has had sex.

Although these differences do not occur in all couples, we can affirm that they are real in the great majority. Another great truth is that man does not understand female sexuality and women do not understand male sexuality. So mutual understanding is essential for a happy and harmonious coexistence. The better we understand ourselves and our partner, the better we can handle these gender differences in a constructive way.

Here are some steps that can help you improve your sex life:


This aspect is the most complicated to carry out to recover the sexual life but at the same time the most important. Couples should be able to talk about their sexual problems openly and directly so that each of them can understand the other’s concerns.

The way of communicating in this area is essential to solve the differences in desire, frequency and intensity of both sexes. One of the best ways to start the dialogue is to ask your partner something in particular, and then simply listen. I suggest some questions:

What do you think about our sex life?
That excites you?
How do you feel when we have sex?
Tell me where you remember a particularly good sexual encounter.
What would you like me to do more in sex?

The most difficult thing is to listen to what the other has to say and assimilate. The temptation is to think that I am going to respond while your partner is talking and may even interrupt you. Being able to simply listen is a great communicative strategy that can help not only to communicate more effectively but also to empathy and mutual respect.


This point corresponds mostly to men, taking into account that it is women who demand romantic gestures. There are thousands of ideas to plan romantic things, and many of them do not cost much. Here I propose some of my favorite ideas:

A nighttime appointment
Leave romantic notes around the house for him / her to find.
Give a bouquet of flowers surprisingly.
Look deeply into his eyes and tell him how much you love him.
Caress his face.
Make him a special dinner.
Do something that he / she has been asking for a while.

And in many cases, here is the most complicated part: doing it without expecting anything in return. Bringing this to practice will make the relationship consolidate, avoiding resentment and recriminations


This point is addressed to the member of the couple who has less sexual desire. There is the mistaken idea that what turns us on or not depends on our partner, when each of us has an active role in our sexual desire. Paying attention and realizing our level of sexual desire, will help us understand that we have great control over him.

Observe what happens “outside the room” with regard to your sexual desire. It may seem to you that how excited you are depends on what your partner is doing or not doing. Or maybe you are in a state of complete sexual and romantic apathy.

But what I can guarantee is that the more attention you pay to your internal emotional and sexual state, the greater your ability to change the way you respond to your partner. Listen to yourself, what you think, how you read the environment, smells, tastes, sounds, sensations … Acting like this you will surprise yourself saying yes more frequently and even provoking the sexual encounter.

Cristina Blanco – Psychologist